7 Things Straight Men Can Learn From Lesbian Relationships

By Sage Magee

The biggest thing I love about being a lesbian is that more than absolutely any other group, I understand women. Over my relationship history I believe I have gained a unique insight into the fairer sex that should be shared. So sit back and listen to a master, here are seven things you can learn from a lesbian to instantly improve your love-life.

1. When she asks, “how do I look in this dress?” the only fool-proof answer is, "well, how do you feel in it?" and then just affirm whatever she says. Because unless she looks truly fugly in it—in which case don’t do her dirty like that, just say it doesn’t suit her—this whole thing is simply a female ritual we do before buying clothes. We all must do this according to lady law, but don’t tell anyone I let you in on that.

2. Accept from the very start you will never be able to read her mind. If same-sex female couples can't do it, don’t even bother trying. You have to tell her this, because she can’t mind-read either.

3. Twelve sweet little just-thinking-of-you-gifts throughout February is a thousand times better than an overpriced bouquet of a dozen roses that you and a million other forgetful boyfriends and husbands panic-bought on Valentine’s Day eve.

4. Skip gifting perfume, it’s expensive and nearly impossible to correctly guess what fragrance she likes. If she already wears it and you notice, let her know how nice she smells. It’s a delightful and unexpected compliment. Any compliment is welcomed, but one you don’t see coming? Oh that’s gold.

5. Make it a point to remember tiny things. Go ahead and write ‘em down in your phone so you don’t forget. If she talks about how awesome the food is at a new burger joint she went to with her gal pals, the next time she says she doesn’t care where you eat, remind her how much she enjoyed those sriracha fries.

6. This next one is the only one that’s truly insider trading. The ladies love John Mulaney. I cannot say why, but show her his bit on HGTV and she’ll be in stitches. I’m guilty of it too, I’m a proud MulaneyLady. I swear to you, dear reader, I have never met a woman who did not find John Mulaney funny.

7. Last but most certainly not least, use your fingers generously and gently, and trim your damn nails. Thank you for reading this public service announcement.

These aren’t necessarily the most important seven things to learn, but they’re an excellent start. What it all boils down to is finding something thoughtful to do or tell her. There’s no magic aphrodisiac, no secret body language, and no real Lady’s Man Playbook. Just be kind to her, she’ll love it.

Bonus bit of advice: Since gay women have a reputation for being extremely romantic, I can't tell you everything worth knowing in one list. So go join a community softball league, befriend a total homo like me and learn from the very best!